March 7, 2012
I’m going to ImPLODE!

I feel this enormous pressure, my life and all that it entails, grasping and squeezing tight my heart that is bulging between the fingers, to large to keep contained in a fist.

I feel my weight increasing, my blood pressure rising, my grades slipping, my head aching.  Why do I continue to do it, why do I strive to keep going?  Why, when I know the outcome isn’t going to be grand?

Thank goodness there is such a thing as Spring Break.  It’s also known as catch up time.  Catching up is some myth that I keep telling myself about, yet never happens.

Clean is something I get my home, which is also a myth.  Where did our standards of  clean come from?  Where did we get these ideas of what our homes are suppose to look like?  It is in a sad state once again.  I totally understand minimalist culture.  With out all the crap in my way, lining my halls, I would have less to worry about.

To bad eating wasn’t easier, in a healthy good way.  I would say having a decent wage for single, head of household women, and affordable education to support positions that would give equal pay would also be ideal.  Maybe that is why I continue to do what I do, to try to get to that point where I can influence change.  

That makes me think that I see myself as a important or powerful person, which is a laugh.  If it were so, I would not have to struggle to be heard in order to hope to influence change.  If I were this person who is destine to change society for the better I would have done it by now.  I only go on because I am working towards supporting my family and doing what I think is right while I do it.  I don’t know what that even spells out in a concrete career path, but that is also what is beautiful about it.  I don’t have plans, I intended to find out as I go along.  I haven’t found exactly what it is that I will be doing, that I will want to be doing.  

All I know right now is what I have to be doing to get further, to get to the point of reducing some of the struggle, to venture on the path to helping others to have to struggle less. Maybe telling my story is helpful some how.